Yup, today I shall post about someone close to my heart, my younger brother.
Well, if you are a long-time stalker of my other blog, you would have come across posts about my younger brother before.
Probably you will be thinking 'Is she going to start going depressed again?'

I'll admit I do post about him more often when I'm down and annoyed with perhaps everything in this world, but hey, he did not just leave me sad memories.

Before I confuse everyone, my younger brother passed away when he was five (going onto six), which was... 8 years ago. No worries, I'm not going to start getting emotional, I'm certain I can talk about him without wanting to cry.

So yes, I had two siblings, both brothers, one three years older while the other one year younger.
Comparing both brothers, I was very much closer to my younger brother(probably because of his character and the age gap too). His name was Kenrick.

Kenrick was born with an illness. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with him and till today am to afraid to ask my parents about it. I only know he had an illness and I was suppose to ensure he doesn't get bullied. Well, perhaps I was pretty much that over-protective sister of his back in kindergarten. The sense of pride I have when my teacher calls me to stop my crying brother that came knocking on the door of my class with his teacher. But he stopped coming after the first year since he got used to school. I remember how he would run around the playground while we're waiting for the school bus back to my aunt house. I would stand at the side and watch him play, very afraid he would fall. He was like a precious jem, something that meant so much to me. I took extra care to ensure he would be fine. The bus aunty would always put both of us in the same seat, no matter how crowded the bus was, she will figure something out, we were both practically inseparable. He would always lie on my shoulder and fall asleep on those bus rides back home.

I ever came across his health booklet, this poor brother of mine, spent his first month at the hospital because of his health. He had an operation. I know he had one, for he has this wide scar on his tummy, back then, I would sometimes touch it gently asking him if it hurt and he would look at me telling me it doesn't. He had to drink this big bowl of bitter soup everday, the least I could do was to drink it with him. So, we would both sit in the kitchen drinking two big bowls of soup everyday. What pained me more was looking at him receiving countless of jabs at NUH, he frequently visited NUH for jabs and I would always accompany him. When I was young, I was terribly afraid of injections, looking at him receiving so many injections just made me feel so bad for him. He was a member of Club Rainbow (a charity helping children and youths suffering from a range of chronic and potentially life-threatening illnesses). He would be able to visit zoos and such places and I would always go along with him.

Kenrick was more than a brother, he was my best friend. The only one who knew all my secrets and someone that gave me so much joy and laughter. He was someone I would go all out to protect and I was someone he would defend. Though much smaller than me, he gave me a sense of security, hopefully I did give a sense of security too. The fact he was ill, the fact that he was different made me protect him. I was proud to announce that he's my brother and definitely proud to have him as one. I wasn't on good terms with my older brother, getting into quarrels and then we start hitting each other. Kenrick would always be the one that stop all these fights, he would protect me and tell me to stop crying. Perhaps all this protection he gave me made me the little crybaby.

Kenrick left in July 2003. It was during the SARS period. He was hospitalised a number of times that year with high fever and other illnesses which the little me do not know of. All I knew was that he came back. But in July, if I'm not wrong, the end of July, he was hospitalised, this time, he never came back. My grandmother believed it was because SARS happened, because he couldn't go out to play, thus he couldn't sweat and remained sick. Maybe that was one of the causes, but definitely not the only one. His liver condition was deteriorating. I remember everyone was donating blood, everyone in my extended family. Kenrick needed a liver transplant. There was this Indian lady who wanted to donate her liver, but my mother kindly declined it as she was going to donate hers. When he passed away, he was just less than one month away from his scheduled transplant. I would often think, what would our future be like if he managed to have the transplant? Perhaps he would be right by my side now, working very hard to make our parents proud. He would probably excel in his studies for he was a bright child, maybe he will knock some sense into that older brother of mine.

Although I only had five years of memories with him, he made a much bigger impact. Even after he left, he was never forgotten. I know he changed me a lot. From the bubbly girl to the quiet, unnoticeable girl at the corner of the class, faced with challenges and the countless of betrayal by her very two best friends. Then, when I faced the truth, I became the much more optimistic me. I took a long time to get over his death. Probably about 3 plus years. Because he played such a huge role in my life, I couldn't accept it. It was as if I was robbed of all happiness.

Whenever I got upset, I would think about him, and then start getting emotional, start crying all over again. That was just one way I could make myself feel better. I remember how much I used to blame myself. I felt that it was because I was not by his side that he got ill. I prayed so much hoping he would recover. He died at night. I think it was early in the morning. He was in the ICU, everyone gathered around his bed, his heart stopped beating. Everyone started crying, I was lost. Before I know it, we were off to visit his grave.

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I sneakily went to look for his medical records, and I was right. He passed away at 0015 on 27th July. I think it was a Saturday. Cause of death, Pneumonia and Bilary Atresia.
'Biliary atresia is a blockage in the tubes (ducts) that carry a liquid called bile from the liver to the gallbladder. The condition is congenital, which means it is present from birth.

Biliary atresia occurs when the bile ducts inside or outside the liver do not develop normally. It is not known why the biliary system fails to develop normally.

The bile ducts help remove waste from the liver and carry salts that help the small intestine break down (digest) fat.

In babies with biliary atresia, bile flow from the liver to the gallbladder is blocked. This can lead to liver damage and cirrhosis of the liver, which is deadly if not treated.

Newborns with this condition may appear normal at birth. However, jaundice (a yellow color to the skin and mucous membranes) [yes I know this word! My mum used to mention it quite frequently!] develops by the second or third week of life. The infant may gain weight normally for the first month, but then will lose weight and become irritable, and have worsening jaundice.

Treatment:
An operation called the Kasai procedure is done to connect the liver to the small intestine, going around the abnormal ducts. It is most successful if done before the baby is 8 weeks old. However, a liver transplant may still be needed.

Early surgery will improve the survival of more than a third of babies with this condition. The long-term benefit of liver transplant is not yet known, but is expected to improve survival.'

credits: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002130/

So that was the operation he had when he was just 60 days old. I finally knew what illness he had. I guessed that first surgery didn't help, he needed a transplant.

Anyway, Kenrick's death made our parents pamper us more, really, I could easily become a spoilt brat. If not for the way my older brother is behaving, I might really just become this spoilt girl. Kenrick made me much more optimistic, when things are going way wrong and I feel crap, I just need to think of his pretty face and bright smile. He made me much stronger, judging by the way how everyone showers me with love, I could never get up from any fall. But Kenrick made me stronger. Much more stronger. I think of all the sick children out there that couldn't get to live, I feel very fortunate.

Although my lower primary years were filled with pain and torture, ranging from the death of my brother to betrayal of friends, I believe he was always guiding me. At least, I pulled through those years and managed to get to where I am now. So yup, I'm living my life for two people. Myself and of course, Kenrick. I'm doing the things he would like to do and I make sure I don't disappoint my parents. He is my pillar of support, even if he isn't by my side. Many times, when I feel sad, I would hug my stuffed toy and start talking to them as if they are Kenrick. There are pictures of us all around my room, I realised in almost every picture, we looked very alike. The kind of smile we had in different pictures were also the same.

However, I would have forgotten most of the times we shared, after all we were so young back then. But, he will never leave my life. We had so much fun and had a lot of fun overseas too. He was a boy that knew what he wanted. He was greatly loved by everyone, but I never got jealous because I loved him with my whole heart. He is my guiding star and I'm grateful for being able to spend his whole life with him.

If you would ask me what I would like to be when I grow up, I will say a doctor. I won't say being a doctor is exactly the dream I would love to have. But there are many reasons, firstly, for Kenrick. I would want to save more lives. Secondly, my grandmother. She yearns to have a grandchild who will be a doctor and we all know very well she had placed her hopes on me. Finally, my parents. Both my parents are doctors and I'm going to follow their footsteps.

I shall end of with a picture.
I know it might be slightly over-used, but these are the few pictures that are uploaded into this computer. The other photos are printed/saved into CDs.

He's forever in the middle, forever the center of attention (:

I know we all look cute.

My grandmother and her favourite grandson.

Yes, I'm proud of you Kenrick. Eight years ago, now and the many years down the road.
You know whenever people asked me about my siblings, I'm always wonder if I should say two brothers or one older brother. In my heart, I always have two brothers. Two brothers that love me unconditionally, they express it differently, but I know they love me. No matter how much my older brother might annoy me, I know he still love me. Both my brothers did impact me a lot, my older brother? well posted about it before. They both forced me to grow up and I would have to thank the both of them because everything they done changed me (positively).

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'Biliary atresia seems to affect girls slightly more often than boys. Within the same family, it is common for only one child in a pair of twins or only one child within the same family to have it. Asians and African-Americans are affected more frequently than Caucasians.' - Wikipedia.

I still do think it was unfair to take his life. But then again, he existed in my life for a reason and I think I know what that reason is.